Regretfully Hilarious

Ummmmmm I made an internet friend recently who has the exact same sense of humor as me. Actually, he’s probably funnier. Which takes a lot for me to admit. Ugh. Whatever. He found me through my screencaps of Louie (lol fml thank you antisocial tendencies) and complimented both my screencapping ability and physical beauty. Except in a significantly less creepy way then I just put it. 

Me: Slumdog is pretty much my college nickname. I’m kind of like the token black friend…except I”m not black. Whatever. Being Latino is basically the same thing. (not)

Him: I’m a Latino too. But I’m mistaken for middle eastern. I don’t know how to feel about that because of my crippling racism. I have to ride around in a wheelchair, that’s how bad it is. Just kidding! They’re crutches. Racist crutches.

We have only known each other 48 hours but I’m kind of convinced we’re perfect for each other except then he proposed meeting up in such an earnestly sincere way that now I’m starting to reconsider my mother’s mentality of “everyone on the internet just wants to rape and then violently kill you”. Is there a nonviolent way to kill someone? Pills? I don’t know. I’m going to ask him. Maybe.

He has a picture of him with Danny Pudi (aka ABED FROM COMMUNITY) so I’m pretty sure that’s a valid reason to think that he’s a completely normal person. I don’t know. What am I even supposed to tell my mom? Well, this is easier than I think. I either lie or I don’t. FML. Do I want to go? What would we do? Am I making this into a date? No. I just considered the possibility of it being a date and had a heart attack. No. I’m just physically incapable of even going out for a friendly get-together.

I want to die. 

Also the dog here does look like a gremlin but he’s not related to this topic. I am fully aware that I’m making a huge deal out of this - way more than it actually is - but I just need someone to tell me what to do so then I can say no, screw you, and do the exact opposite.

Send help.